Hello! I don’t think that this is the right thing to do but somehow I can’t be quite anymore. I’m not an actress, I’m not well known person, I’m not even pretty according to the beauty standards, I’m way overweight, wearing baggy clothes (because I’m ashamed of my body) and don’t care much about my appearance. A lot of people reported how lockdown in the spring had bad impact on their mental health but I’d willingly take all the depression, arguments and everything else and trade them for what happened to me. I was in 4th year of high school and one of my professors assignment was to write “lockdown diary” and sent to her. So I was doing that on my daily walk in the dark (back then I was in love with it) when a man on the other side of the street start talking to me even though I had my headphones which I think it was logical that I didn’t want to talk. For some reason I started talking with him and at first it seemed like we had a normal conversation (honestly I felt good to have someone else to talk with besides the family). But then it happened, he started touching me first on my hair and then he went on under my shirt to boobs with one hand and my vagina with another one. My brain stopped working and I froze and praying that he will finish fast. He stopped and invited me to his place so we could continue “having fun.” With a dumb excuse that I have to go home because I can’t leave my younger siblings alone he finally left me alone. When I got home I got 3 showers in a row because I hoped that this will help me remove the feelings of his hands on me and his breath which smelled like an alcohol (he was drunk). Until that day I’ve never told anyone because my country has still this “only no means no” policy and let’s face it, it was my fault that this happened. I feel sick while I’m writing this and feel bad for waisting your time with this message. I just have to get that off my chest that’s it. So sorry for waisted your time.
Kar sem pozabila dodati je bilo to, da se mi je druga zloraba zgodila samo kakšen mesec kasneje, ko sem ponovno šla v šolo. V trafiko sem šla po vžigalnik, ko je do mene prišel moški star približno 60 let, ker (neumna kot sem) sem se začela pogovarjati z njim je pristopil do mene in se me začel dotikati po prsih in me nagovarjal k temu, da ga naj poljubim. Spet sem zmrznila in samo upala, da bo vsega skupaj čimprej konec in da je vse skupaj videlo čim manj ljudi, ker me je bilo sram in sem se počutila krivo, da se mi to dogaja. Ko je končal sem si izmislila, da imam čez par minut pouk (bila sem v bližini ene izmed ljubljanskih gimnazij) in zbežala v kavarno, ki je bila blizu. Tudi o tem sem bila tiho, ker me je še vedno preveč sram in ker mi tako ne bi nihče verjel. Od takrat naprej mi je neprijetno biti sama v prostoru s katerimkoli moški, pa naj bo to profesor v šoli ali pa celo oče oz. mlajši brat.
#jaztudi, februar 2021